"There is a voice that doesn't use words. Listen." Rumi.
That voice reminds me to stay in the present. Not the past. Not the future. The now.
I've not lived in doubt, resentment or judgement of self or others much in my life. It's not productive. But every now and then one or the other enters into my thoughts.
I recognize that when any of these rear there ugly head (I'm learning, painfully so) I haven't honored my boundaries I’ve set for myself. That others haven't either. In these times I patiently remind self - I matter. My boundaries and values - matter. It doesn't always go over well with certain people in my life, even myself sometimes. But I'm on a mission. To live a joyful, evolving life. One that is rooted in what brings me joy and happiness. Low and betide anyone (including myself) that gets in the way.
I remind myself that the decisions I make are important. That the decisions/actions others make are no less important but nor are they are mine to judge or own. That what others think of me isn’t my business. Hard, but true.
That it’s up to me to be responsible for my actions. The good ones, the not so good ones and the in-between ones. That my uncomfortably with something, someone, or self are opportunities to evolve and grow. Period. No matter what direction they might take me. Done. Bright side of life and all that. No that's not meant sarcastically. It's truth.
I’m reminded that I choose to show up for the people in my life. That I and they choose to be all in, all the time. Or not. I’ve chose that this life thing isn’t meant to be half lived. Flaws and all. And that some days it’s hard to show up, but we keep showing up for each other. That when someone chooses to not show up, participate or evolve with you it’s painful. The hard part is deciding if you can jog in place with them for the rest of life or if you can’t. It’s a brutal choice. And the process to move forward without them is a bitch.
So, as I grapple with emotions with names like doubt, resentment and judgement this week I’ll keep saying - out loud and in silent meditation these words:
I see you. I hear you. Not today. We’re not doing this today. Or any day for that matter. We’re not doing doubt, resentment or judgement. We're not going to think on what if, walk down memory lane to stress and blame. It’s not kind or productive. We’re gong to stay in the here and now. With each breath I take I’m going to work from patience, love. With each of them I am going to choose me. For the first time in a very, very long time. I also choose the uncomfortable and sometimes lonely path to my joy and happiness. Mine, not another’s. That if not at 50, then when?
Truth? By god, it's a bitch some days.