"There is a voice that doesn't use words. Listen." Rumi
When seeds of doubt, resentment enter into my thoughts it’s hard for me to work from a place of authenticity, courage and faith.
To stay in the present. Not the past. Not the future. The now.
I've not lived in doubt, resentment or judgement of others much in my life. More myself if I'm honest. It's not productive. It's life. It happens. It's uncomfortable. I'm there today. This week. It's not a place I want to stay. Period.
I recognize that when any of these rear there ugly head (I'm learning, painfully so) I haven't honored my sense of boundaries or values. That others haven't either. In these times I patiently remind self - I matter. My boundaries and values - matter. It doesn't always go over well with others, even myself sometimes. I'm on a mission. Low and betide anyone (including myself) that gets in the way.
I remind myself that the decisions/actions I make are important. I remind myself that the decisions/actions others make are no less important nor are they are mine to own. Big lesson that! It's because, no, I don't live in a vacuum.
Bloody hell these are hard lesson at 50. Any age really.
In this life I know I own my actions. The good ones, the not so good ones and the in-between ones. That life (source, faith) has and will call on me to be nimble, flexible and open. That I can and will learn from these moments IF I stay present and authentic. Have faith. Step into courage. These are no small things.
That my uncomfortably with something, someone, self are opportunities to grow. Period. No matter what direction they might take me. It's an opportunity. Done. Bright side of life and all that. No that's not meant sarcastically. It's truth. My truth.
I remind myself that some choices, people are for Life. These choices are built on love, faith, courage, authenticity, trust. Commitment to self, family, friends and tribe. It's not a finite amount of time this choice. These people. It's built on a willingness and demonstrations that they (we, me) are all in, all the time. Commitments, promises made (sometimes broken), the good, bad, joyful, not so joyful. Flaws and all. But, dammit, we keep showing up. Thank god (!) 'cause I'd be lost without all y'all.
I remind myself that some choices I make may be for a set amount of time. They are no less valuable. No less important. Just for a finite amount of time. It's also where commitments are made, expectations set, sometimes not, some upheld, others not. On all sides. It's about seeing into, around and learning from. That includes me recognizing that what I have to contribute may be for that set amount of time. Some of it will be of value, some of it not. That’s OK. I'll be honest, that last bit can be hard to own and swallow, but it's (I'm) no less valuable for it.
Even in all this, I remind myself - daily sometimes - that I am so, so blessed in SO many ways it's ridiculous. I'm not kidding.
So, as I grapple with emotions with names like doubt, resentment and judgement this week I’ll keep saying - out loud and in silent meditation, these words:
I see you. I hear you. Not today. We’re not doing this today. Or any day for that matter. We’re not doing doubt, resentment or judgement of self, others. We're not going to think on what if, whether it be the future or the past. We’re gong to stay in the here. The now. Dammit. With each breath we’re going to work from patience, love. With each breath I choose Authenticity. Courage. Faith.
Wish me luck.
Because by god, it's a bitch some days to stay in the now. In the present.